


Broken Glasses & Bloody Gashes

by Coulson



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-30
Updated: 2014-04-30
Packaged: 2018-01-21 09:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1545119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coulson/pseuds/Coulson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya is broken, no longer the God he once claimed to be. It is all because of one man, no one monster...Shizuo Heiwajima. Just how did he accomplish this? How do you bring a God down?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> TriggerWarning-Mentions of Rape, Self-Harm and Suicide. {This fanfic is also on my FF.Net account.}

I don’t know what time it was when I awoke, but from what I could tell it was fairly dark. How long had I slept after what happened? I felt so tired, drained from energy both mentally and physically, though at the same time, alert. I couldn’t sleep any more than I already had. I continued to lie where I was, just thinking. What was I after that? Was I angry, upset and maybe even scared? No, I know what I am. I’m broken. The masks I had worn over the years, each one shattered, maybe never to be fixed. I’m broken, possibly beyond repair. The great Izaya Orihara is no longer so great. I’m no longer a god to my humans, for gods are not so easily broken.

Now, I bet you are wondering what has happened. What happened, what could possibly break the great Izaya Orihara? One word, no one name can sum it up… Shizuo Heiwajima. The infamous monster of Ikebukuro did this to me. Though it’s not how you think, he didn’t finally catch me and beat me up during one of our chases. Oh no, he did much worse than that. Compared to what transpired prior to me passing out, I’d take a hit from a vending machine any day. At least that is something I would expect, then again that brute never does as expected. I don’t know where said brute is right now, but I can tell he isn’t nearby. I wonder if I can escape before he comes back, hell I wonder if I can even walk or function properly right now. If the pain is this bad now, how bad will it be when I try to move? Just trying to get up into a sitting position sent a huge burst of pain up my spine, and I think I may have a broken rib or two. Before I ended up here, that monster managed to land a few hits.

After exerting a fair amount of effort, I managed to get myself up and standing, fully dressed. I patted my jacket pocket to check I still had my switchblade. I thank the god I do not believe in that it is still there; heaven knows I will probably need it. Heh, maybe if I did believe in this God, I wouldn’t be in this position. I can’t change what happened though. No matter how much I wish I could. I should get out of here before he comes back, I don’t know what he might do. However I do not think I can make it to Shinra’s, or to mine on my own. The pain is too much and I know I won’t be able to get all that far without help. Should I try and leave through his window, I don’t think the front doors an option. For all I know he’s just in the next room. Fuck it, I gotta get out of here and the window seems like a good choice.

Making my way over to and out of the window provided much more of a task than it should have, curse that brute it’s his entire fault. I somehow manage to make my way down the fire escape resulting in minimal pain. I pull myself into a nearby alley, making sure I’m hidden in case Shizu-chan looks for me. I hastily pull out my phone and dial Shinra’s number. I hear him answer in his sickeningly sweet way asking what I’m calling for. I tell him that I’m essentially broken and cannot make my own way to be fixed and for Celty to pick me up in the alleyway across from Shizuo’s. I then hang up without giving him a chance to reply. He would only bombard me with questions, ones which I would not be comfortable answering out here.

I lean against the alley wall whilst I await Celty’s arrival. She could take a while as she may be out on a job; I hope she doesn't take too long though. The longer I’m waiting here, the more chance of Shizu-chan finding me and for once, that thought scared me a little. Not too long later I hear a familiar neigh nearby and sigh a little in relief that is before I stop and stand up straight at hearing a voice behind me. “Why, hello there Izaya. Fancy seeing you out here.”


	2. The Cause

"Why, hello there Izaya. Fancy seeing you out here." I turn to see who is there and I’m a little relieved to see Shiki-san standing before me. However I did take note that he called me by my first name rather than ‘Orihara-san’. I do not know just why he called me that but I do know Shiki-san does not like being questioned. “Hello Shiki-san, I could very well say the same to you”. I will not admit that I was actually scared for a split second before I discovered it was only Shiki-san. “True, though I am just passing through here on a business related matter. Before you ask, no I will not tell you just what the matter is.” I forced myself to act as I would usually, even though I want nothing more than to get to Shinra’s, then get home. I forced a slight pout “Aww Shiki-san that’s not fair. You know I’ll find out sooner or later”. He nodded and if I didn’t know better I would think he does want me to find out, but not just yet. I wonder if his reason for being here attributes to his unusual behaviour. After some small talk, and a polite goodbye, I see Shiki-san get into a car and leave the area, presumably heading home.

As soon as I could no longer see his car, Celty arrived and her PDA was shoved into my face. –What did you mean by being broken? Why are you near Shizuo’s?! You know if he sees you he might kill you! - I can’t help but chuckle at the last part. Oh Celty, he’s welcome to. Hell I wish he had when he had the chance. “I doubt that, after all he caught me and didn’t kill me. That monster did something much, much worse.” She pauses slightly to think before typing. –What did Shizuo do? What could be worse than killing you? -. I let out a slight sigh; I’m not someone who’s comfortable telling others about my experiences. I will have to tell Shinra however, and she is bound to find out. “I’d much rather explain at Shinra’s…” She must have sensed my hesitation to answer and led me to her bike. Using the smoke-like substance that flows from her body she fashions a helmet for me to wear. It’s rather intriguing that she can use this substance as she pleases. I sit on the bike behind her and wrap my arms around her waist, lest I fall off when we start moving.

The journey to Shinra’s was one huge blur for me; I didn’t focus on anything we passed. I am not even sure if Celty stopped for the traffic lights or not. She dropped me off outside and typed that she had a job to do but would be back later. I waved her off before making my way inside. I knocked on Shinra’s door awaiting his answer, then narrowing my eyes at him slightly when he does as he seems way too cheerful. “Come on in Izaya, what exactly is broken?” I take a seat on his couch and think before replying. “In a metaphorical sense everything. However in a literal sense at least one or two ribs. I would like you to look for and treat any injuries you find, both internal and external.” He gave a slightly puzzled look, no doubt due to the fact I said that essentially every part of me is broken. I have always revered myself as a god, so hearing me say that is serious stuff. “Umm, sure just give me a minute to sort out the necessary stuff”.

Once Shinra had checked me over, he was reading through the notes he had written down. He had not written all that much but I viewed that as a good sign.” You were right about your ribs, so I’ve bandaged you up and you will have to take it easy while they heal. You also have some sprained muscles in your arms and legs, and sever bruising on your legs, hips and arms. Izaya, what happened to cause all this? These are not normal injuries for you. You also have some internal damage which I can only think of one cause…” Well he’s right about that part. The internal damage is consistent with what happened. “Well Shinra, it is as you think except for one slight thing. It was not consensual in anyway.” He looked a little surprised then shocked. “Yes Shinra, the ‘Great Izaya Orihara was raped! I was raped, and by none other than the Monster of Ikebukuro!” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but I couldn’t help it. I just wish he had killed me rather than do that. That’s not how our game is played. Just as I expected, Shinra began to ask me a multitude of questions

After an hour or two of questioning, he finally allowed me to retire to the spare room. I did not try to sleep straight away even if I did feel drained. I sat and thought for a short while, or maybe I was thinking for a long time, who knows? Though when I did fall asleep, I knew my rest would be anything but peaceful. I wonder if the monster will appear in my dreams.


	3. The Nightmare

I jolted awake; in fact I woke up so fast that the force almost made me throw myself off the bed. I knew my sleep wouldn’t be peaceful, I knew I would have a nightmare and I knew /he/ would be in it. It has been a few days since I visited shinra, he cannot believe that Shizuo raped me. These past few days and nights have been the same. Having the exact same nightmare and waking up each time at odd hours of the night. I could tell that I was sweating, as I felt my shirt sticking to me, it felt disgusting. I forced myself to get up to take a shower. I do not think I was asleep for long and I doubt I will get any more rest even if I tried. I walked into the bathroom, taking note that there was very little light filtering through the window and past the curtains, it must be really early in the morning. I stripped myself of my clothes, carefully as not to cause myself pain. I couldn’t help but wince as I saw my reflection in the mirror.

My once flawless pale skin was now marred with bruises. Large bruises on my hips and neck, black/blue in colour. There were a few smaller bruises forming on my arms and stomach and there were also a few small cuts here and there. Then there were the bandages covering my arms and torso, but they were more a precautionary measure than anything else. I slowly removed them, making sure I did not re-open any healing cuts. Once removed, I placed them into the bin; I’ll ask Shinra for some new ones later. After turning on the shower and stepping in I forced myself to relax under the spray of warm water. I’ve never been one for showers; I much prefer baths, although showers will be better for me while I’m recovering. The physical aspect of the recovery process shouldn’t take too long. However even I do not know what mental or emotional damage he may have caused. I have nightmares, but other than that I do not see any other problems, at least not yet any way. I rest my head against the tiled wall and let my mind wander a little.

It doesn’t wander far for it brings up what happened. Originally it started like any other chase, taunt him a little watching how angry he gets, run when he comes toward me then laugh like a maniac and throw a few more insults his way while running and doing parkour. This is how every chase goes, and then I dodge signs and vending machines as he throws them. Any time he gets close enough, I would cut him, and that’s where it all went wrong. How was I to know that he had gotten just that little bit faster, or maybe I was slower for some reason? Either way he caught me, for the first time since our very first chase back in highschool, he caught me. Now the first thought that went through my head was that he was going to gloat then kill me or at the very least beat me up a little. I was right about the gloating; he had a huge smirk on his face and was talking about how he finally caught me. I may have proclaimed myself to be a god many, many times but I know I’m only human, and I like any other did not want to die and so I wondered how I could delay him killing me. I knew he couldn’t resist responding when I taunt him so that’s what I did. Though it seems he does have a limit and at one point he wanted me to stop talking. He punched me in the stomach, which did hurt a fair bit so obviously I was in too much pain to talk. I heard him laugh; he said I must be getting weaker if it took one punch to the gut to shut me up.

I don’t think he realises I’m not all that strong, but I am fast. It was always my agility that allowed me to have the upper hand on him. Me being the arrogant and cocky asshole I’m known to be, I smirked at him showing him that I was still not afraid of him. He may injure me but I will never fear him. I think that may have pushed him a little too far. I think he was just so annoyed that even though I was caught, I acted like I had planned it in some way. I don’t know what went through his mind to lead him to the decision of raping me, but I detest it. I detest his mind and its thought processes. I hate his lack of logical thinking and that I am unable to reason with him. I despise the force which he used. I abhor the pain he caused me. I loathe the marks left upon me. I severely dislike the way my masks and walls were ripped down in one savage attack. I resent that I begged him to stop. I, Izaya Orihara, simply loathe the barbarous, diabolical, disgusting, violent, tameless, unpredictable being that is Shizuo Heiwajima. I absolutely hate him! We’ve shared a mutual bond of hatred from the very first day we met, but there are still lines that you should take care not to cross. He didn’t cross them, he ran past them as if in a marathon!

I got myself out of the shower and dried myself before getting dressed. Ranting to myself mentally did not solve anything, if anything the only purpose it served was to sour my mood further. I needed a distraction from my thoughts. On a normal day I would go to Ikebukuro, but that’s no longer an option. Besides Shinra said I need to take it easy while I heal so I’m supposed to stay in my apartment. I take a seat at my desk and turned on my computer, as I wait for it to load up I glance around my apartment. My chessboard lies forgotten and unused on my coffee table. What use is it now? I lost the game, he won. It wasn’t supposed to be that way but no one can predict an outcome where Shizu-chan is concerned. I glare at the board for a short while, wonder if it will set on fire if I glare hard enough.

As soon as my computer had loaded up I decided to pass sometime in the dollars chat rooms and finding out what’s happened these last few days. Turns out even though it’s only been a few days, people have begun to notice my absence. Some members in the chat room have said that Shizu-chan seems a little ‘off’. No doubt he’s annoyed I escaped. Maybe he feels guilty, ok no. that can’t be it. He is a monster; he proved that with what he did to me. He can’t feel anything aside from anger towards me. Where the hell did the thought of him possibly being guilty come from? Maybe I’m ill. Oh that would be perfect, be ill after being raped. I turn away from the computer without turning it off and walk over to my chess board. I glare at it some more before kicking it over, the table too. As I watch the pieces scatter and the glass top of the table shatter I’m left to wonder. What is wrong with me?


	4. The Meet: Izaya

I am still awake despite it being quite late. I sent Namie away as soon as she arrived for I am in no mood for company of any kind right now. The pieces from my chess board remain scattered on the floor, as does the shattered glass of my coffee table. In the time passed from then to now, I have not accomplished a great deal. I have work I should do, but I do not feel like it. Something must be wrong with me if I have no desire to complete work I usually enjoy thoroughly. I would say I feel like curling myself into a ball and dying but that sounds too dramatic, even for me. Maybe I shall pester shinra tomorrow morning. I sigh, that means I must commute to Ikebukuro, wonderful.

I have no wish to travel to Ikebukuro, taking into consideration what has happened and the fact that the Monster always manages to find me as soon as I set foot in his domain. Monsters are territorial creatures, I just hope I do not run into him tomorrow…

 

Groaning as I am awoken by the forever droning shrill ringing of my alarm clock, I drag myself out of bed. Due to constant nightmares plaguing my mind, it was another relatively sleepless night for me. I hope Shinra has some ideas on how to banish these nightmares. I need my sleep in order to successfully complete my tasks. If I cannot rectify my sleeping pattern then I fear myself out of a job.

After taking an unusually long time getting myself dressed and ready to set out, I remind myself to phone Shinra in advance of me appearing on his doorstep. He did not pick up so I left a short and simple message saying I was coming over. I hesitated before making my way out of my apartment. The way to Ikebukuro will be uneventful, it’s once I get there that I must be wary.  
As soon as I enter Ikebukuro I am on high alert. I take notice of the many looks and stares I receive. I haven’t been here in a while and it seems my humans have noticed. No, I cannot call them my humans any more for I am a broken God. Upon nearing Shinra’s place, I spot Shizuo. Thankfully his back is to me, now do I go through the back alleys and continue on towards my destination or try and get past without being seen? While debating the pros and cons to each choice I fail to take notice of the nearing Monster, stepping ever closer, though I still remained unnoticed if the lack of my name being shouted was anything to go by. There were a few people in front of me and pulled out of my thoughts by almost walking into someone, I looked up and just happened to at that very moment lock eyes with him. Shit.

One by one, people noticed that Shizuo and I were in the same area and promptly fled the scene fearing for their own safety. I should be afraid, not them! I thought he would attack as soon as he laid eyes on me, but no, he was just staring as if assessing. Was he checking to see if I was angry for what he did? If I was going to attack him out of pure anger, if I was going to run in fear? I found myself staring right back, he did not seem angry that I had managed to escape his apartment in fact he didn’t look angry at all. I would have interrogated him on why he raped me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to approach him, why? I used to always pester him and I wasn’t afraid of getting close, yet here I stand petrified, keeping a close eye on him. He was alone so I guess he wasn’t working right now. He began to hesitantly approach me; well he tried to for I took off before he got close.

I heard him call after me yet his voice did not carry an angry tone with it, rather he sounded regretful and hesitant. I paid no heed to his call and ran as fast as I could in the direction of Shinra’s. I prayed to gods and deities that I do not believe in that he does not follow me. The only sounds I could hear were the pounding of my feet on the pavement and the erratic beating of my heart. I waste no time on knocking, simply opting to open then close the door behind me.

“What’s caused you to be in such a rush that you don’t knock?” questions Shinra upon my abrupt entrance. Before supplying him with an answer I lean against the door in order to catch my breath. “He… he saw me. Shizuo saw me” Shinra is a little surprised at hearing this. “Shizuo didn’t have work today so I can’t think what would have him out and about…” I waved my hand in dismissal, I don’t care why he was out, I only cared that he saw me. “I just hope he didn’t follow, that’s all. Now, onto the matter of my visit, I need something that will help me sleep peacefully. After what the brute did I am unable to sleep for long and when I do manage to fall asleep I am plagued by nightmares.” Shinra appeared thoughtful and as I sent a questioning glance his way he stood up from his spot on the couch and went to write something down. “It seems that what happened has caused you some mental trauma. Though without talking to you about it, I cannot say how bad it affected you”. Just great, that monster didn’t just harm me physically, but mentally too. Just great, now if I wasn’t so terrified by the possibility of it happening again, I would just go and slit his stupid throat.

“Shinra, you know I won’t want to speak about it, hell I don’t even want to think about it. I want nothing more than for that brute, that monster to just drop dead!” Shinra appeared shocked by my outburst; I cannot even hide my anger anymore. That is how bad this whole ordeal has affected me. I sigh before sitting down on the couch. “Just give me something to make me sleep, even better if it’s permanent” Wait, I didn’t just say that, did I? That’s not good…


	5. The Meet: Shizuo

What the hell am I doing? Today is my day off from work and I’m just wandering aimlessly around Ikebukuro. Knowing me I’ll end up doing something stupid, though I don’t think I could do anything worse than what I did to Izaya. What even made me do that?! No one deserves that, not even him. Then why did I do it? I guess I really am a Monster…

Luckily people usually keep their distance from me so I don’t have to worry about walking into anyone. As I come to the end of the cigarette I am smoking, I throw it to the ground and put it out with the heel of my shoe. As I look up I’m a little shocked to lock eyes with none other than Izaya. I didn’t think he would be out and about so soon. I wonder if he’s ok, though judging from the fact he has stopped dead in his tracks, not approaching me, not taunting me I would say he isn’t ok. Some people take notice that Izaya and I are in the same area and leave, believing we are about to fight as per usual.

I begin walking over to Izaya, with the intent of asking if he is ok and even trying to apologise for what I did. Though there is no way I could excuse myself for my actions. However, no sooner than I take a few steps, he’s darted off down the street. I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but I did. I saw the slight look of fear on his face. He is good at hiding his emotions usually, but he couldn’t hide that. He must be terrified of me… I’m far from surprised.

I hesitate slightly before following at a slow pace. I want to talk to him but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It seems he is going to Shinra’s place, as I walk I can’t help but wonder why I ended up doing such a thing. When I caught him why didn’t I just beat the crap outta him? I knew I wasn’t gonna kill him, I’m no murderer. No matter how many times I’ve said it, I won’t do it I can’t kill him. Apparently I am a rapist though, that was such a horrible thing to have done. What the hell caused me to even think of doing that? Wait, that’s right I didn’t think. I can’t think when I’m angry, I blame this stupid strength. Yet another reason I would be better off without it.

By now I’ve reached the door to Shinra’s apartment. On the other side I hear Izaya shouting about wishing I would drop dead. I understand he’s angry, hell why wouldn’t he be? It still hurt a little to hear him say that however. I don’t feel like standing out here waiting so I briefly knock the door before walking in. Upon entering Shinra’s apartment I was greeted with a surprised Shinra and a fearful looking flea. “Izaya…”


	6. The Breakdown

“Izaya…”

Shinra was surprised to see Shizuo there, while Izaya looked downright terrified. Shinra was about to ask Shizuo why he was here, but before he could Izaya started shouting. “YOU GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME SHIZUO! I DON’T CARE WHY YOU ARE HERE, I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU WANT BUT I DON’T WANT YOU ANYWHERE ME! AFTER WHAT YOU DID I CANT EVEN THINK PROPERLY! YOU DIDN’T JUST HURT ME YOU BROKE ME MENTALLY, THAT RIGHT IZAYA ORIHARA ISNT A GOD, HES A STUPID HUMAN LIKE THE REST OF THEM! BROKEN BY THE MONSTER WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM, BUT NO BEING THE UNPREDICTABLE MORON YOU ARE ‘KILL’ WAS SOMEHOW REPLACED BY ‘RAPE’!” Shinra and Shizuo just stared at Izaya, visibly shocked. He was usually so composed yet here he was essentially breaking down in front of them.

“I-izaya…? Are you alright?” Shinra had to ask, he knew what happened between him and Shizuo had affected him but heh didn’t think Izaya would shout out like that when Shizuo appeared. “Yes Shinra I’m perfectly fine, couldn’t be better!” Sarcasm at its finest right there, Shinra could tell that Izaya was really troubled by what happened now he just wondered how much so. Shinra held out his hand, in it a small bottle of sleeping tablets. “Right… well here are your tablets to help you sleep; I hope they do the job.” Izaya took them and pocketed them before getting up to leave. “If they don’t, death surely will…” He stiffened a little at that, he didn’t mean to say it. Shinra looked at him a little worried, even more so when Izaya dashed out of the apartment as soon as Shizuo had moved from the doorway.

“You know, I’m worried about you two.” Shizuo looked confused when Shinra said that, worried about Izaya sure, but why him? “Izaya is obviously not ok considering what you did. I cannot think why you would do that though, it’s unlike you.” Well he had a point there at least. “Shinra, you know I don’t think when I’m angry. It’s one reason why I hate my temper and wish I didn’t have it, or the strength. I’m not proud of what I did, far from it. I would apologise except that won’t do anything and Izaya obviously doesn’t want to be near me.” Shinra nodded in agreement, glad that Shizuo at least feels bad about what happened, otherwise he would worry even more.

“I am not sure how badly affected Izaya is, though he is showing signs of depression. I just hope he doesn’t end up with full blown depression, who knows what he would do”. Shizuo hadn’t thought about that, sure he expected Izaya to be angry, upset and maybe depressed, but not to that extent. “I hope he doesn’t get that bad, I wouldn’t want him to do anything stupid. I’ll try apologising or something in a week or so even though I know it’s pointless.” Shizuo hoped Izaya would at least listen to him when the time came.


	7. The Plan

It had been exactly 8 days, 4 hours and 26 minutes since Izaya had visited Shinra for the sleeping pills. In that time he refused to leave his apartment, at all. He tried busying himself with his work but he couldn’t focus, some days like today Izaya had even sent Namie home because he felt like he would break down at any given moment and that was not something he wanted her to see.

He wouldn’t admit this to anyone, he barely admitted it to himself but what Shizuo had done scared Izaya. He knew the fake-blonde was unpredictable but rape? Never in a million years would he even begin to consider that possibility. The thing that scared him the most was that he couldn’t do a thing about it. There was no way he could fight against his strength; he always relied on his agility to beat him. However once Shizuo managed to get his hands on him he couldn’t get away. Izaya had been helpless, at the mercy of the monster. He had never felt so hopeless in his life. Shizuo didn’t just rape him that day, he broke him. He made Izaya Orihara feel human; Izaya could no longer proclaim himself a God.

Izaya was currently lying on his couch, unable to focus enough to get any work done. The sleeping tablets Shinra gave him helped him sleep somewhat, though he still had nightmares. “Stupid protozoan… if it hadn’t been for him I would be perfectly fine. But no, I’m talking to myself like a crazy person because I don’t want to run the risk of breaking down in front of someone. I may not be a God but I still have some pride.” He sighed to himself, he was just getting worse. He could phone Shinra but he knows what he would say. He would say that Izaya was suffering from depression; he should be careful and blah, blah, blah.

“I don’t need his help; I don’t need anyone’s help. I can handle this myself…” He was already at the stage when he wanted to self-harm and he knew it. So far he had managed to resist the urges. It wasn’t easy, but wasn’t too difficult either. Keeping in mind he had a fair amount of switchblades and throwing knives in his possession, he thought he was doing a pretty damn good job so far. Pulling himself into a sitting position, he took note of the time presented by his digital clock. He had spent roughly half an hour laying down doing nothing but think. He used to regularly think about the ex-bartender, but those thoughts were about ways to pester him, rile him up. Not about him capturing Izaya, harming him, breaking him.

A growl emanating from his stomach brought him out of his thoughts. “Ah, that’s right, I haven’t eaten today…” He got up off the couch and made his way into his kitchen. Rather than spend time cooking a meal, the raven settled for a simple sandwich. However he struggled to even eat half of it before feeling sick. “At least I have eaten something.” He refused to think this was the beginning of a problem. He refused to acknowledge that not only did he have urges of self-harm to repress, but he also wasn’t eating properly anymore.

The information broker would not admit to himself just how badly affected he was by the whole ordeal, sure he knew that he was afraid but that was it, wasn’t it? “I’ll be alright; I just need a new game to play. Hmm, I know! Shizu-chan looked guilty when he saw me at Shinra’s. I can manipulate him this way! Maybe I can finally get that brute to do something I expect…” He noticed he had called the dyed-blonde ‘Shizu-chan’ again; he smirked at this “Now this will be interesting…” With his smirk growing he finally picked up his chess board and its pieces and placed them on his desk arranging them all in a brand-new formation. “Now let’s see if I can break _you_ this time, Shizu-chan~”.


	8. Failure

I stood staring at my chessboard, grinning like a maniac. I knew what I was going to do and it wouldn’t just involve me and Shizu-chan. Oh no, I don’t want anyone feeling left out. I can’t wait to put my fabulous plan into action! I will break him, just as he broke me but not is the same manner. With that thought in mind I put on my signature fur-trimmed jacket and made my merry way out of my apartment.

I could barely contain my excitement as I made my way to Ikebukuro, this will be so much fun! For once I will find him instead of him finding me, and then I shall put my plan into action. I wander the streets for a short while before I hear the beasts roar, it’s amusing how easy it is to annoy him and it’s not even me who’s doing it this time.

I spy him holding up some poor fellow by the collar of his shirt; no doubt this guy owes money. I watch for a small while, only to walk in his direction as soon as he has let the guy go. I stand behind the monster and make myself known. “Shiiiiiii-zuuuuuuuu-chaaaaaaaaan! ~” He turns around rather quickly and the look on his face is priceless. A rather intriguing mix of confusion and surprise. “I-Izaya..?”

“The one and only” He must be really surprised, considering last time he saw me I ran off and then shouted at him in front of shinra. “Are you alright?” I roll my eyes, he really is a moron. “Why but of course Shizu-chan. I’m perfectly fine, I mean sure it’s not every day your enemy rapes you but I’m fine”. Note the sarcasm positively dripping from that sentence; of course I’m not going to be alright you stupid brute. Hmm, he flinched when I said rape… I guess he really is sorry about what he did; this will just make it easier for me. ~

“It’s just Shinra said that you could get really depressed and enemy or not I don’t want you doing something stupid”. I raise a brow, what’s this? I could almost mistake it for him caring about me. How disgusting. Monsters aren’t supposed to care, least of all about their enemies. “Here I thought that doing ‘stupid things’ was more your forte rather than mine~”. He sighed, no doubt becoming bothered by my words. That’s a good sign as I do not think my plan would work if he wasn’t capable of becoming enraged by me anymore. “How come you haven’t tried to chase me out of Ikebukuro yet? Afraid you are going to hurt me? Don’t want to hurt me after you raped me? Is the monster going soft on me? ~” His eyebrow started to twitch at that and I could tell he was grinding his teeth trying not to say or do something he would regret; now we can’t have that. “You know, compared to when you raped me, these chases we have are nothing. I didn’t think it was possible to be in more pain than when a large object or a street sign has hit me. Turns out it is possible as well as very painful. You know I barely even managed to get myself out of your apartment it hurt that much.” I moved so I was standing right in front of him before removing his glasses, I want to see his anger clearly. “Though I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. After all you are a monster, and monsters hurt, break, and destroy”.

Now I know just how much he hates being called a monster, he wishes he didn’t have his strength or his temper. All he wants is to be ‘normal’, but what is normal? No one’s the same, even identical twins have differences. However, instead of trying to hit me, he punched the wall next to him. “Izaya, after I did that… the last thing I want to do it hurt you. I-I don’t even know why I did it in the first place. Though I do know one thing, and that is that I’m sorry”.

“No.” He looked at me a little confused and asked what. “I said no, you can’t be sorry. You’re a monster, monsters don’t care they can’t care!” I looked at him and was a little confused, why did he look so concerned right now? “I-Izaya..? Why… why are you crying?” Stupid brute, Izaya Orihara does not- wait… I raise the raise the hand not holding the monsters absurd glasses to my face, only to feel tears rolling down my face. Why am I crying? Why now? Why can’t I stop them?

My lack of response must have concerned him, for he pulled me into a hug, against my will might I add. How dare he touch me after what he did before? Hold on, didn’t I seek him out to break him, or at least harm him? Yet here I stand, being hugged by the monster and him telling me it’s going to be alright. Like hell is it going to be ok, he broke me, I am crying for some stupid reason! Realising I have yet to respond, I forcefully push him away from me making sure to create a little distance. “It isn’t going to be alright! I can even pretend I’m fine anymore! I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me but I know it’s your entire fault! I was perfectly fine before you raped me! You know what Shizuo? Just do me a favour and drop dead!” My throat was a little sore from raising my voice, I turned and walked off leaving a speechless brute behind.

Why can’t I even have one thing work the way it’s supposed to? I wanted to bother him but I ended up crying, shouting and leaving. I started to run, not wanting to be outside any longer. As soon as I entered my apartment I shut the door behind me before sinking to the floor.

“What is the point of a game I can’t seem to play..?”


	9. Broken Glasses

I don’t even know what to do anymore; hell I don’t even know what I could do. I can’t fake it; I can’t pretend I’m ok. I’m losing control, I need my control if I cannot be in control of a situation then I am lost, uninformed. I can’t deal with this! I need to regain my control, but how? How can I do that, where would I even begin?

 

This is his entire fault! If he hadn’t raped me I would be fine! If he would leave me the hell alone I would be fine! If he dropped dead I would be fine! Ok that wouldn’t necessarily be true, but I would definitely be better off not having to worry about running into him for fear of breaking down or become frozen in fear that he may rape me again! I can’t stand this!

 

Why should I be the one continuously suffering?! He looked guilty and he even apologised! He isn’t suffering from the guilt though! I am the only one suffering here! Everybody else is fine… perfectly fine. It isn’t fair, how could it possibly be fair that I am the only one suffering, alone in my despair…

 

I heard a sound, like plastic cracking and I felt a sharp pain in my hand causing me to look down. A look of mild surprise crossed my face as I stared at my bleeding hand. I must have been clenching my fists as I was thinking, for in my bloodied hand I was holding the brutes now **Broken Glasses**. I had forgotten that I even had them, the clenching of my fists shattering the sapphire blue plastic, causing segments of it to cut into the flesh of my hand.

 

Now usually I would not hesitate in getting myself cleaned up, but I couldn’t. I was transfixed in watching the blood run from the cut, seeing it drip from my pale slender fingers, onto my dark carpet slowly causing a stain to appear. What was so enjoyable about observing my own blood flowing from me? It appeared to calm me somewhat... I felt my usual self, well apart from the mild stinging sensation that had arisen from the wound. It felt… right… somehow, like I was ok, like I was going to be fine.

 

I continued watching, red falling from white. I found it a rather beautiful sight if I’m honest. After a while I stood up and made my way into the bathroom to clean the wound. First I disposed of the brutes broken glasses in the waste bin before putting my hand under the cold water of the tap. As the cold, clear liquid cascaded over my wounded hand, a pleasant stinging sensation was felt. I used a pair of tweezers to remove and small shards of cerulean from carmine. I then help my hand under the water for a short while longer, watching the transition of maroon to amaranth.

 

Once I felt that my hand was clean and free from plastic shards, I retrieved some bandages from my medicine cabinet and began carefully wrapping my injury. A few patches of red seeped through the cream colour of the bandages but that was expected as the cut was by no means shallow.

 

\--

Well that was unexpected, he just walked off. Well after shouting at me and telling me to drop dead. It really did hurt to hear someone say something like that. I guess I kind of deserve it though, I wish I could you know somehow go back in time and prevent it from happening. That way he would still be the happy and annoying flea and I would still spend most of my time chasing him out of Ikebukuro.

 

I sighed and began walking home; just wishing I could make things go back to how they were. If I hadn’t had been cursed with this monstrous strength I would have had an ordinary and peaceful life. I probably wouldn’t have even met Izaya, or I would but he wouldn’t have such an impact on my life. It definitely wouldn’t have ended up like this though, I’m sure of it. I wish I knew what made me do that to him though; I could have just beaten him up like I expected I would have. Why did I do _that_ though..?

 

Upon arriving at my apartment I unlocked the door and headed inside. Once I had shut the door I made my way to the bathroom, discarding my shirt, tie and jacket along the way. I felt like taking a warm shower to waste some time. I turned the shower on and to the right temperature before removing the rest of my clothing and stepping in. A content sigh slipped past my lips as I felt the warm water caress my body.

 

Under the spray of the water I could do very little to stop my mind wandering. Unfortunately it decided to remind me of what I did. I don’t need to remember, how could I forget?! Images flashing through my mind made me want to headbutt the wall, images of his terrified expression, images of him begging me to stop, pleading to let him go. I remember the look on his face when I had finished, after I had walked out after realising what I had just done. I proved that he was right; I am nothing more than a monster. I claim to hate violence, yet I would always use it against him. I always threw vending machines and stop signs after him, and to top it all off, I’ve now raped him.

 

After spending some time in the shower I stepped out and dried myself before slipping on a pair of pyjama bottoms and a towel to dry my hair. Once I had dried my hair I picked up my cigarette pack and lighter and made my way to the nearest window. I opened it before lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. I smoke a fair amount, but if I am inside I always stand near an open window.

 

Twice I had heard Izaya say I should drop dead. Maybe the flea’s right. It would definitely improve lives of others. He won’t have to see me ever again; Ikebukuro can rest with people knowing they won’t have to run if someone pisses me off. I know Celty, Shinra and Kasuka would miss me, but I am sure they would understand. Least I hope they would. If I actually go through with this I’ll need to remember to leave a note… Maybe I should leave one for the flea too…


	10. Thoughts & Revelations

Ikebukuro had been silent for the better half of a week now, and its inhabitants noticed. No one had seen nor heard either of Ikebukuro’s strongest and most feared men. Both seemed to have dropped off of the face off the planet. For the most part, those who lived in Ikebukuro enjoyed the peace and quiet and were not concerned that neither of the men had been seen. On the other hand people such as Shinra and Celty, Kadota and his gang and Izaya’s sisters were a little concerned. This was unlike both males; at least one of them would be seen each day. For both of them to seemingly disappear, something wasn’t right.

 

“I wonder why Shizuo and Izaya haven’t been seen lately, it’s not like either of them.” Shinra wondered aloud, Celty typed up a response saying she could always go check on them. “What a wonderful idea my love!” He went to hug her but was lightly jabbed in the side; another message simply said ‘please stop that’. In all honesty Celty didn’t really mind the attention; she just got a little embarrassed. She nodded to Shinra before heading off out on her bike to see what was wrong with the two males.

 

\--

 

Shizuo was just sitting on the couch in his apartment, he had text Tom saying he still didn’t feel ready for work. These last few days, his mood had gone downhill quite quickly. It all began with the thought that maybe Izaya was right, maybe he should just drop dead. Then he ended up thinking about how only a few people would actually miss him and even then they probably wouldn’t care for long. Kasuka was probably the only one who would really care. All this led to how he felt right now and right now he felt like shit. He hadn’t even bothered to get dressed today, staying in the pyjama bottoms he wore for bed. He never really felt like eating anymore but he would make himself, he wasn’t going to die of starvation. That, in his opinion was a stupid way to die, that and hunger pains were a bitch.

 

Over the short amount of time he had spent cooped up in this apartment if his, Shizuo had come to realise, or rather acknowledge a few things. First he realised just how boring his life really is, he has a job, a brother he doesn’t get to see much of, a couple of friends and then the asshole who used to piss him off. “Well he isn’t a problem anymore; I am the problem these days…” Shizuo also noticed that his life just generally sucks, yet he couldn’t find it in him to do anything about it. Even if he hadn’t raped Izaya, he would end up feeling like this sooner or later. He sighed “I really don’t have anything to live for, well ‘cept for my little brother…” That would be his only regret if he were to commit suicide and that he would be leaving his brother, Kasuka.

 

Hearing a familiar neigh outside his apartment, he was snapped out of his thoughts. “Huh, Celty? I wonder what she wants…” He got up from the couch and opened the door, just as she was about to knock. He wordlessly let her inside and shut the door behind her, before reclaiming his spot on his couch. She calmly typed a message before showing it to him. She was asking him why he hadn’t been around Ikebukuro and why he hadn’t even gotten dressed, it wasn’t like him.

 

“Don’t worry Celty; I’m just having a few ‘off’ days. I’ll be fine sooner or later.” He didn’t want to mention to his friend that he was seriously considering suicide. He felt guilty over what he did to Izaya, his life was crap anyway. What reason did he have to live? She merely typed out another message, no doubt asking more questions.

 

Celty stayed for a while longer, asking the ex-bartender questions as to determine the real reason he hadn’t left his apartment. As she left, she made a mental note to speak with shinra when she got back. Something was definitely ‘off’ with Shizuo. She decided to speak to Izaya tomorrow as it was getting a little late in the afternoon. She made her way over to Shooter before heading back home.


	11. Another Shot

It had been a few days since Celty had arrived and voiced, well rather typed her concerns. Shizuo hated worrying his friends. No doubt she had let Shinra know how their conversation went and he would most likely phone or visit to make his own conclusion. Shizuo knew they worried about him considering his behaviour now. He still wasn’t working; he didn’t even leave the apartment unless he needed to buy food or something.

 

He had decided that he shouldn’t worry his friends anymore, he knew what he had to do and he also knew he wasn’t going to get any better. The guilt for what he had done to Izaya… would never leave, he would never find peace, never forgive himself. He wondered about writing a note, probably best if he did. Nothing _too_ long, after all he wasn’t very good with words. Grabbing a pen and some paper he began to write.

 

_To whoever the hell finds this…?_

_Yes, I did this._

_Yes, I’m aware that there will be a few who miss me._

_Bet none of you thought I’d own a gun, not after being shot twice before. I bought it recently for this sole use. I coulda gone out a different way but I wouldn’t want to run the risk of someone saving me or some shit._

_To Kasuka, I am sorry that I wasn’t such a great big brother to you. You ended up taking care of me more than I did you. I’m sorry that I kept getting fired from jobs and I’m sorry for being a disappointment in general._

_To Shinra and Celty, you two have been great friends and I’m happy to have known you. I’m sorry that I will cause you some pain with my last action, but I hope you are alright. Shinra, hurry your ass up and propose to Celty properly. Even an idiot like me could tell that you both love each other._

_To Tom, first of all, thanks for being such a good friend and a great boss. I enjoyed working with you and I’m sorry for letting you down._

_Last of all… Izaya, I am so sorry for what I did to you. I honestly have no idea what compelled me to do it but I am sorry nonetheless. I know we have never gotten along and that’s just as much your fault as it is mine. Thinking back on it, I actually enjoyed our chases. You were still an ass, but oddly enough I did enjoy our time together before I pushed it too far. I did feel guilty for what I did to you, even a smart guy like you wouldn’t understand just how guilty I felt. The guilt is what led to my course of action._

_I think that’s all I have to say… well goodbye everyone._

_-Shizuo Heiwajima, the Monster of Ikebukuro_

_“Another Shot ring it out for me_

_And there’s a lot that you can’t undo”_

 

It’s either a good or a bad thing that Shizuo Heiwajima does not have neighbours, as the loud resounding band of a gunshot blast would have certainly caused some confusion and to a lesser extent, curiosity. Maybe even some panic.

 

Today, Ikebukuro lost one of its strongest men, this one being _the strongest._


	12. Bloody Gashes

There were only a few moments in Izaya Orihara’s life where he was at a loss for words, right now he couldn’t even think let alone speak. Shinra had come over despite Izaya saying he didn’t want company. However once he had said it was about Shizuo, he let him in.

 

At first he had thought that Shizuo had told Shinra to apologise for him or something stupid like that. He couldn’t believe the words falling from the lips of the underground doctor. It couldn’t be true… there’s no way, Shinra must be lying… “I don’t believe you…” Izaya heard him sigh before a piece of paper was pressed into his hands. He looked up at Shinra who had begun to make his leave, mumbling to Izaya that he should read it. As he heard the door to his apartment close, he looked down at the note and began to read, eyes widening as he did so.

 

“He’s gone… he’s really gone…” Izaya had thought many times in the past that if Shizuo were to die, he’d be content maybe even glad. However this was not the case, he didn’t even feel relief that he would no longer have to worry about inanimate objects being tossed his way. As he thought about it, as he let this information sink in, he realised what he felt. He felt empty. The one person who always took most of his attention, the one who had to put up with him the majority of the time, the subject of his somewhat twisted platonic affections, was gone. Gone forever, his course of action decided by feelings of _guilt_ over what he had done to Izaya, his _sworn_ _enemy_.

 

He wouldn’t miss Shizuo, he’d only miss having someone to hate. Someone to blame for the way his life has gone downhill fast, blame for the fact he isn’t the man he used to be, blame for the scars that now adorn easily hidden areas. Yes, Izaya Orihara has scars, they are all fairly recent. Some are on his legs and thighs, others down his sides and along his arms. He always wore long-sleeved tops, now they are useful, a tool to hide self-inflicted wounds. Shinra had yet to notice and Izaya would rather it stay that way. He used to resist the urges, until he decided that he was only delaying the inevitable. He never would have thought pain could feel so good. Whenever Shizuo had managed to hit him with an object, that just plain hurt, but there was something almost… magical and enthralling about self-inflicted pain. There was also the aspect of control, you could control how slow or how deep you cut. Izaya needed to regain his control; this was how he managed it.

 

If Shinra knew what he was doing to himself, he would most likely try to sedate Izaya and have him confined somewhere without sharp objects. That would bore him to death, so it’s a good thing that Shinra doesn’t know. If Izaya had his own way, then Shinra would never learn of the **Bloody Gashes** adorning his pale skin, cuts and scars criss-crossing white flesh.

 

He felt like doing it again, but much worse this time around. He never really wanted Shizuo dead, just for him to suffer because of what he did. Now he was gone, he seemed to have suffered enough if that was what it took to end his suffering. Izaya did feel responsible, and he didn’t like it. He never felt responsible for things he did, or caused, regardless of whether it was directly or indirectly. Was this guilt he felt? He was unfamiliar with this feeling, which only served to make him hate it even more. How could he stop this? He didn’t want to feel this way. He didn’t want to feel guilty; it wasn’t his fault the brute shot himself. It was his own fault for raping him in the first place. If that had never happened then everything would be fine, everything would be normal.

 

Hours passed and Izaya had yet to move from his spot upon his couch. He was still in shock from the news; he still couldn’t come to terms with the fact Shizuo committed suicide out of guilt for what he had done. “Monsters don’t… no, monsters _can’t_ feel guilt. They are incapable of such trivial human feelings.” A little voice in the back of his head was telling him he was wrong, telling him Shizuo wasn’t a monster, but had been a human, someone with feelings and emotions. Izaya never listened to that voice and didn’t plan on starting now.

 

-

 

A few days later and Izaya couldn’t take it any longer. The voice wouldn’t shut up, it wouldn’t leave him alone. It kept saying it’s his entire fault, all of it. It’s his fault Shizuo hated him, his fault they always fought, and his fault Shizuo snapped... The rape was his fault, his death was his fault. Izaya could deal with blame, when it was something he did on purpose, otherwise he can’t even begin to even accept it, let alone deal with it.

 

Newer scars adorned his body now; most parts of his body now carried them. At first, the self-harming was something he had control over, when he lost control of everything else. However, he was now becoming somewhat addicted to cutting, watching the cuts drip with liquid rubies; he was losing control and fast. He knew it too.


	13. The Message

Today they buried Shizuo Heiwajima.

 

I saw it all from a distance, not wanting to intrude. After all, what place did I have there? I was his enemy and part of the reason he killed himself, I did attend, but stayed in the shadows. I waited until everyone had left, Shinra, Celty and Kasuka being the last three.

 

As I approached his grave it began to rain. It seemed even the heavens were mourning. I doubt even one person was truly happy or even relieved that Shizu-chan was gone. I definitely wasn’t. The days leading from when Shinra had shown me the note, to be frank, they were _hell_. I never would have thought I would give a damn about Shizu-chan, yet here I am, at his graveside, trying my hardest not to cry…

 

Don’t get me wrong, I still hate him. Or rather, _hated_ him. However, these past few days I have come to realise how similar yet different we were. We needed each other, I pissed him off and he would try and take his anger out on me, rather than hurt someone innocent. He would chase me, preventing me from feeling lonely or alienated. We helped each other without realising it; if we had we would probably just hate each other more for it. If he were here, how long would our game continue for..?

 

I lost track of the time, but as I decided to take my leave I noticed that night had fallen. The funeral was midday so I spent a fairly large portion of the day there. I don’t think I will visit again though…

 

My original plan for the day did involve wasting time until the night, so far so good. Now the next part of my plan involves a tape recorder I have back at my apartment. I feel like I should leave a voice message rather than a letter explaining the reasons for my departure. Upon my arrival at my apartment, I am glad to see Namie took me up on my offer of a night of. I had already wired some money to her account as she does not know I am leaving. No one but me knows.

 

I walk inside and sit upon my desk chair and compose myself a little to ready myself for this message. When I deem myself composed, I begin the recording.

 

_First of all I am unsure who will find this, maybe Namie, maybe Shinra, maybe even Kida. Who knows? Anyway by the time you hear this, you no doubt know what has become of me. I doubt it is a pleasant sight and for that I do apologise._

_Next, to whoever finds this, please let other people know what has happened. It will be too late for anyone to do anything but I would like certain individuals to know. Make sure that_

  *         _Shinra Kishitani_
  *         _Celty or better known as the Headless Rider_
  *         _My Sisters_
  *         _Namie Yagiri_
  *         _Masoami Kida_
  *         _Mikado Ryugamine_
  *         _Shiki, my employer_



_Know what I have done. I do not particularly care if anyone else knows, as long as those few do._

_Now, for the reasons behind my actions… Yes I still hated Shizuo, still do as I am saying this. Although I had a little revelation, you see me and Shizu-chan for a lack of a better explanation, we completed one another. We were polar opposites who kept each other in check. One neither better than the other, an equal match. Without me, he would have accidently hurt many innocent people, without him, I would just…cease to be really. That’s more or less what is happening right now actually. I hate to say it but I cannot cope without him. I need him, but he’s gone…_

_Namie, I’ve wired money to your account so you can’t complain. I have put my affairs into order and tied up any loose ends. Shinra you have been a good friend, I hope you take Shizu-chan’s advice and propose to Celty. The brute was right about something for once. It will be a shame that neither of us shall be here for your wedding however. Mairu, Kururi… I’m sorry. I know I have not exactly been the best brother. I could have been better. I’m sorry I never really visited you since moving out, I’m sorry for what I am about to do. Just remember… Iza-nii loves you._

 

Izaya stopped the recording, he couldn’t bring himself to say ‘goodbye’ especially after that last little message to his sisters. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve after realising he was crying slightly. He proceeded to get up and walk towards the bathroom “I wonder… if our first meeting had gone differently… Shizu-chan, do you think we could have been _friends_..?”

 

-

 

Now he knew. Shinra Kishitani now knew what Izaya had done to himself. He could clearly see each and every scar adorning his body, two new, _deep_ additions ending the cycle. If he had known how Shizuo’s death had affected Izaya, he could have prevented this. He could have prevented losing another close friend.

 

Namie had found the message, and then found Izaya. She immediately called Shinra who was now taking care of the body. He said he would be the one to tell the girls, he knew they would want to see their brother so he had cleaned up the blood and wrapped up his wrists. He would have to break it to them carefully, and try his best to comfort them.

 

He would also take the advice that both friends had left him. He would propose to Celty, not just yet though. “You two should have pushed me to do it earlier, then you’d both be there too…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did enjoy writing this as saddening as it was. I do plan on writing more fics like this one in the future and I apologise for any feels.


End file.
